Thank you Dan, I love you.

It was Tuesday when it happened. A Tuesday of all days: you've already started the week so there's no backing out, but you've still got loads of days to go.
On the Tuesday when it happened it was dark, gloomy and raining, so of course I was rushing to get home and out of the weather. I think that's why I didn't notice who grabbed me, I wasn't paying attention. I only know it was a male from what they did to me. I have no recollection of the person's face, but I remember what they did to me so vividly and I wish I didn't. I walked past an alleyway and that's where they came from and dragged me back to. A dark and dingy litter strewn alley. They grabbed me by my jacket and threw me into the alley. I stumbled and stopped myself from falling flat on my face by grabbing at the rough wall that surrounded me. I should have ran, I should have ran and made as much noise as I could, attracted some attention and I should have got myself out of there. But I didn't, I was a stupid, scared idiot, who just shook their head at my hooded abuser. I think I may have cried as well, how pathetic. They shoved me into the wall, bruising my knees. They did everything so fast and gave me no time to process what was happening to me. The only thing I was suddenly aware of was the biting cold wind against my bare backside. That's when I knew what they intended to do with me. I tried to scream but they had clamped their hand over my mouth. I kicked out and tried to move my limbs to get free from that vile person, but they forced me further into the wall, trapping me tightly between them and the building. I kept banging against the wall as they did what they did to me, grazing my palms and further bruising my knees. I kept my eyes firmly clamped shut, not daring to let the tears spill over, at the pain and the knowledge of what they were doing to me. Then all of a sudden it stopped, they must have got what they wanted from me, and they fled, leaving me in that dark alleyway all alone.
I turned so my back was against the wall and sunk down it, snagging my jumper along the way. I cried. I buried my head in my knees and cried until there were no more tears and my eyes stung. Going back to Dan and voicing what had happened to me seemed like impossibility in that moment, so I decided I wouldn't tell him, I would try and forget it myself. The rain had picked up as the time slowly passed and I had ended up soaked to the skin and shivering a lot. That was when I realised I needed to get home and into the dry. I dragged myself into a standing position and stumbled my way out of the alley. My brain wouldn't stop replaying what had happened, no matter how hard I tried to stop thinking of it.
I hadn't realised I had done it until I went to open the door, but that was when I found I had been digging my nails into my hand and wrist. I dropped my hands as soon as I noticed and took a deep breath, preparing myself for the questions Dan would inevitably ask, due to my lateness. But he wasn't there. I had expected him to be waiting for me anxiously, like I would for him if the tables were turned, but he wasn't. That hurt. Even though I knew I may not have been able to tell him everything, I still could have done with a hug or kiss or anything off of him to have made it better.
I took off my soaking jumper and held it in my hands playing with the material nervously, my hands shaking a little. I started crying again, not knowing what to do, but needing Dan. I dropped my hoodie on the floor and walked numbly around the dark, dead house. My feet carried me around the dark apartment, but my brain paid no attention to where I was going. I vaguely remember checking all the rooms for Dan, but finding him nowhere. Dejectedly I crashed into Dan's room, sitting myself down on his bed.
In that moment I felt small, insignificant and pathetic, but most of all I felt a strong urge to rid myself of these feelings. My brain was clouded with the impurity I felt for myself, I felt dirty and disgusting and I couldn't deal with it. My hands started shaking again as I wrenched open the draw of his dresser. My shaking hands came across nothing I could use to relieve those feelings and so I angrily slammed the draw shut and stormed to the bathroom, where I would be guaranteed something.
My breathing was heavy and laboured as I held the razor to my wrist. Shaking and crying I slumped against the bathtub and did it. Through my tears I could see the blood seeping from the cut I had made on my wrist. I kept cutting, trying in vain to get rid of the disgust I felt. I kept telling myself that it was my own stupid fault for it happening and that was my reasoning for continuing to harm myself.
I went too far, I kept pulling the razor across my skin too many times, but I needed something to stop the horrible memories of what had happened. I made myself weak, so much so that the razor slipped from my hand and clattered to the floor beside me. Nobody was there to help me in that moment, as my eyelids began to droop. I refused to let them close completely; I was determined to see Dan.  The thought of Dan made guilt pool in the bottom of my stomach. What had I done to myself? I needed Dan then more than I ever did.
There was the noise of the door opening, but I failed to see, my eyelids had closed and I was feeling too exhausted to open them. I could feel him moving around me, helping me, but my body was too slow to move with him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted him to hug me, to make all the pain go away and make it okay again. And it was like he could read my mind because I felt him wrap his arms around me as he hugged me and swayed me for an immeasurable amount of time. I didn't realise I had been crying until he shushed me. Only then did I notice the amount of tears that were streaming down my cheeks and the amount of noise I was making.
"Why Phil?" Dan whispered and he hugged me impossibly tight again. I shook my head against his shoulder because I didn't think I could form any words for him just then. I prised my eyes open to see him and he gave me a weak smile, his eyes brimming with tears as he did so. He kissed me. Again and again wherever his lips could reach, he kissed. I tried to show him I was thankful for his affection but I was so exhausted that I only managed to collapse into his body.
"I'm sorry" I whispered into his shoulder. I raised my arms to wrap them around him and let him help me into a standing position. My hands stayed around him and I saw that he had bandaged up my wrists for me. "Thank you" I said. He kissed me again in reply and led me out of the bathroom. The apartment was still dark and I realised that he must have gone and found me straight away. That made me feel guilty, again, knowing that he did care and I had done what I had done. I tried to pull away from him, my guilt building and forcing me to want to run away and hide from him. But he kept a tight grip on my hips and led me to sit on the sofa.
"Why Phil?" he asked again, but this time more adamant to get an answer out of me that time. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Nerves took over my body as I prepared to tell him. I didn't want to, I wanted nothing more than to erase that moment from me forever. But I knew that Dan deserved an explanation at the least, for what I had done. I turned to face him and he took hold of my hand, clearly noticing how nervous I was. He squeezed my hand and gave me a reassuring smile. I took comfort in that and started a very difficult sentence to start. It took me a few tries to stop my voice trembling and stuttering, but I eventually managed to tell Dan of my horrible experience. There was a lot of hugging and kissing after that, Dan doing most of it to comfort me. He said how he hated the loathsome thug that took advantage of me and I felt oddly glad about that. Knowing that Dan loved me that much made me feel a whole lot better and I hugged him as close as I possibly could.
"I love you Dan." I whispered against his shoulder.
So now, all that I really want to say is thank you Dan, for loving me so much. That's all I could ever ask for.
I love you Dan.